shift happens

i did it again, but today is the last time. i tossed and turned in my bed all day. just got out of bed at 4:00. i woke up roughly 6:00 am. falling back to sleep was not an option. my mind nor body desired sleep. my mind would not cease with thoughts coming a mile a minute. i could not get comfortable find my spot. however, i refused to get up. i settled for being antsy. that does not make good sense. i watched two movies on nextflix. absolutely, refused to read one of many books. i was stuck on getting a couple more hours of good sleep, but sleep was nowhere in the atmosphere. in spite of what my mind and body were telling me,  i continued telling myself “you are not ready to start your day.” “wait.”  i am done. i know there was a long period of time i could lay in my bed all day in and out of sleep. that is no longer true. i am not there anymore and i am grateful. it has been my habit to stay in my bed and in my bedroom. for a few months now i have wanted to get out of my bed and out of my bedroom, but i do not  because i do not know what to do or how to be with a whole entire day. that is scary and overwhelming. i will figure out how to be with a whole entire day.

body of mine, please forgive me for ignoring your desire to get out of my bed. mind of mine, please forgive me for attempting to shut you down. God forgive me for again blatantly wasting time. i am grateful that depression, fears, and overwhelming all-consuming anxiety does not have a hold on me like it once had. i am thankful that i know the difference between me being lazy and procrastinating and being depressed. i will do better. i am choosing to face my fears and come out of my bedroom.

i stopped writing to go make myself a cup of ginger tea and this thought pops in my mind.

i have claimed i am in a season of harvest, new things, new thoughts, abundance and plenty, wealth, and financial growth and stability. this is true. this being true means getting up, getting out of bed, and out of my bedroom. God is waking me up and keeping me up. not getting up is a rejection of God’s abundance and harvest for me. thankful i made that connection. God, i am awake, alert and paying attention to the shift. indeed i do want the blessings you have for me.

i continue with writing but about other things. i thought i was done and then this happens.

so i thought i was done writing/praying/reflecting/praising and all that good stuff. i close my journal, go upstairs and boom the man by the pool in the book of John comes to mind. with that comes a reminder of a sermon/message i heard. i get my Bible and the notebook i used to take notes when i was going to a church for about six months. i believe the man by the pool comes to mind only because i acknowledged my behavior and asked forgiveness. God thank You for bringing this story back to mind and grounding me. thank You for the teaching of this lesson more than two years ago.

Jesus ask the invalid for thirty-eight years “Do you want to get well?” the man replied no one would help him. Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” At once the man was cured. 

My notes from 9-23-2013 P.M. Smith Huber Memorial Church

“some were there out of habit they kept coming back…getting up was not on their mind. sickness had become wellness; normal. the man’s response to Jesus was really an excuse. same place…same time…same pain for 38 years. you can come to God like you are as you are, but you cannot stay like you are.”

1. Rise – don’t get stuck in your past

2.Take up your bed – take responsibility for your life

3.Walk – get away from here, stop hanging out here

All three points are spot on. i have the following posted at my door way and bedside my bed for more than a year now.

Joy Rising (borrowed that from Oprah.)

Get Up! now please.

Show UP! i care. it matters.

Write! no excuses.

Walk! my back feels better.

Manage My Money. it is my responsibility.

Manage My Time. it is precious

Read! i love it.

Perseverance. Persist. Persistence. Persisting.

I surrender my all to you gracious God.

 

getting out of my bed…getting out of my bedroom is me walking away/hanging out in my bed out of habit. i love my bedroom; it is my place of refuge. my secret place is there. (she who dwells in the secret place of the most high shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.) the desire…the need to be in my bed and in my bedroom is less now. my soul is saying to me shift has happened…is happening. my bedroom will always be a quiet still refuge for me. i do not need to exist in that space as i have for a very long time. the relationship with my bed and my bedroom has changed. i am strong enough to come out and live outside of my bedroom. i can handle what is outside of my bed and my bedroom. i can look down the stairs and see that the sun is up and dare to go down the stairs versus getting back in my bed. i can. (i am feeling some anxiety.) i am not waiting for something or someone to bring me out. i can do it. i am awake and alert.

Back to John 5:1-15, P.M. Smith wrapped up his message with the following:

  • Rise is a command.
  • Do you want to be made whole…made well is a question.
  • Jesus responded with clear direction, bestowed hope, life, and liberty.

i am wrapping this sharing up with the following:

  • depression and anxiety are real. i take my happy pills every day, pray every day all day, and have done plenty of time on the couch.
  • i am a believer. i believe in God. i believe in the oneness of God. i do not want to mislead anyone in thinking i am Christian. Jesus, may the peace and blessings of God be upon him, is one of God’s gifts to humanity.
  • may this sharing help someone else. remember it was 9-23-2013 i heard the story of the man by the pool. it fully came back to me today. my soul more than two years ago began this shift. it is amazing when i can connect the dots.

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february

this february was not half bad. in fact, it might have been amazing. usually february  is one of the grayest months for me, but this february there were many the sun showed up. i noted many times in my journal that the sun was out and i was feeling good. i even managed to get up, get out of my bed and stay out of my bed most weekends during the month of february. (unheard of.) hallelujah! it is phenomenal to be at this point in the winter, a mild winter) and not be struggling with the woes of depression. hallelujah!

now time for the list i easily made this morning to affirm how great february 2016 was for me.

  • Ava DuVernay hearted one of my tweets and replied to my tweet to her!
  • Awesomely Luvvie liked my reply to her tweet and sent me a couple of tweets back!
  • white chocolate Reese’s pieces cup come out but once year. i got my year’s supply!
  • i sent out my save the date (details later)
  • frederick douglass  was featured on the google banner. (he and Ida B. Wells part in the hair was the truth.)
  • Dr. Carla Hayden has been nominated to head the Library of Congress! she will be the first woman and the first African American to oversee the 214 year old library.
  • Morgan State University’s  band, my Alma mater, performed at the White House!
  • Morgan State University received the largest individual donation from and AA couple!
  • Morgan State University received first ever full patent for new technology!
  • Gloria Ladson-Billings, Morgan State alumnae, is number 5 of 200 scholars recognized as most influential scholars in education. Linda Darling Hammond also came in the top ten!
  • Western Doves basketball team won the championship!
  • Maxwell is dropping a new album this summer (hush your mouth)
  • United Nations discussing reparations
  • i have a new snuggly
  • i was able to pay all my bills on time this month in full! my rent is paid!

how excellent!

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“just leave him. take your kids and go.”

these memories are very present this week and you know why.

yesterday, a facebook friend (we have never met, but have exchanged text messages, spoken on the phone and commented on one another’s facebook postings) wrote a beautiful perspective about telling women “Just leave him. Take your kids and go.”  to which i replied, ” i remember my mom packing boxes and hiding them in the closest and under our beds. i remember going to the post office to ship them. i remember her taking my brother and I out of school and receiving our school records. i remember not knowing what was going on. i remember the long train ride to Memphis. i remember us still being scared he would find her/us. i remember he did. i remember being secretive about everything. i remember being scared for a very long time.”

then in the wee hours of this morning i wrote, “so this is what happened. it was not the first time but it was the last time. (this is my last memory of her being hit/slapped/punched by him and the last memory i have of him beating me or my brother.) he slapped her so hard she slid across the floor. two of her children, four and five, tried to fight back for her. he beat them too. (she is 4ft 11inches and he is more than 6feet tall .) i remember her calling her mom, but she would not come.  in my mind, my memory, she began within days  secretly packing boxes and hiding them in the closets. then she came to our school one day and withdrew us. when we got outside grandma was waiting with our boxes and infant baby sister. grandma took us and our stuff to the train station. we boarded the train to Memphis. we were all scared. he had hit and beaten us all except his daughter, my baby sister. the train ride to Memphis was cold and long. we got there without any issues. my great grandmother awaited us. i remember it was winter time. the man, my mother’s husband, did track us down. he kidnapped my baby sister and threatened my mom. i do not recall the details in between but i do recall being terrified that he would hurt us again; that we were not safe; and we were not free. we did get our sister back. he did leave. but we were left with the fear he could come at any time and hurt us. and knowing we had no place left to go.

my mother, grandmother and i have never talked about that time. over the years i have put bits and pieces together about this man and that time in our lives. the thing that stays with me from our story is if he hits you once he will likely do it again and that children are often abused in these domestic situations. my mom could not have left Kansas without the financial aid of my grandmother and great grandmother. i wonder if people knew. i wonder if people ever told my mom, “Just leave him. Take your kids and go.”

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